56. The Hurt and Healing From Miscarriage: Brittany's Story

This podcast was transcribed using Rev.com. Please forgive any typos or errors.

Brittany: Hi friends! Welcome to the Life with Loverly podcast. I'm Brittany, a wife, mom, and lifestyle entrepreneur here to help you discover your best daily style and encourage you to try new things when getting dressed each day, I took a tiny following on social media and turned it into a community of over 1 million amazing women and I am so glad you're here. I'll be sharing my heart with you beyond the 15 seconds on Instagram. So we'll be diving into things like personal growth, friendships, motherhood, marriage, and of course the business of blogging. Really, this space is here to serve as your go-to resource to building a life you adore while sprinkling some kindness to others along the way. Grab an iced coffee and let's do life together. I'm Brittany and this is the Life with Loverly podcast!

Brittany: Hi friends! Welcome back to today's episode of Life with Loverly. I'm going to go ahead and put a little trigger warning on this episode. It's going to be pretty deep. I'm sure some tears will be shed, but I feel like having this conversation out in the open is probably hopefully going to help somebody out there.

Nichelle: Yeah, I think that that's one of the things, whenever we think of episodes like that, hopefully it helps somebody else out there. And also, let's be real, this is kind of a therapy session for us anyway, just talking things out, so

Brittany: Right. Yeah, it's getting into it. I had a miscarriage earlier this year. We briefly mentioned that on the first episode of the podcast and then I kind of talked about it a little bit on Instagram stories, but I thought kind of sharing in a little bit more in depth.

Nichelle: Yeah, because you kept going.

Brittany: Yeah.

Nichelle: You were like, we got to work. Well then you took your time off and it was like, let's get back to work.

Brittany: The timing of it ended up, I mean if you could use the word perfect timing in this situation, it just definitely in the Lord's plans for sure. But Chris and I found out that we were pregnant in the very beginning of January, which is kind of crazy taking you guys back a little bit. Right before everybody left for Christmas, we had a company Christmas party and we ate at this restaurant in Athens and that night I ended up getting sick in the middle of the night.

Nichelle: I remember that because you kind of weren't feeling yourself the back end of the day. We kind of left early that day and you were like, oh yeah, it's time to go, I'm not really feeling good.

Brittany: Literally was not feeling well was if this wasn't for my company that I'm the CEO of, I probably would've not gone to the Christmas party because I just wasn't feeling well. And then it was great. We had such a good time. But then that night I got home, went to bed, woke up several times throughout the middle of the night, so sick. I was laying on the bathroom floor like, oh my gosh, I was hot. Cold sweats. I was throwing up. It was terrible. Fast forward to 4:00 AM where I was just starting to have, I think a panic attack that I was sick, not feeling well. I woke Chris up and I was like, you need to call 9 1 1. I think something is really wrong. Called an ambulance. My parents came over and they kept the kids. We went to the hospital, but I remember the paramedic asking while they did an EKG on me in my bed before they took me out and I remember the paramedic asking, "is there any chance that you're pregnant?"

And I was like, I mean, I guess there's a chance. And Chris was like, I mean she would be three days pregnant, right? Cause we were like, no, I mean maybe there's a way we just didn't know

Nichelle: I mean scientifically....

Brittany: I know. And so I go to the hospital. I ended up just having some stomach issues, spent a few hours, came home, ended up being fine, rested for the rest of the day. And then just kind of got some other type of sickness. I think it was,

Nichelle: Was it the sinus infection you got?

Brittany: Yeah, right after that and I was sick all into Christmas and for a week I just had this, I don't know what it was, sinus infection, cough, I mean it was just my body's immune system was clearly little did I know I was actually pregnant, but I didn't know until January when I had missed my period.

I was, my app said I was supposed to start five days ago and I have not started yet. So Chris and I took a pregnancy test and it was positive and we were like, oh my gosh, this is so crazy. A little bit of a backstory. We did I V F to get pregnant with Collins. We tried to get pregnant with her for two years before we started doing infertility treatments. Did three rounds of IUI that were unsuccessful. Went to our first round of I V F and thankfully that's all it took. And we were pregnant with her. And then when she was six months old, we had a surprise pregnancy with Hazel. We were like, "okay, this works. I can get pregnant on my own!" And so we've been kind of, I would say, trying to have a third since last summer. I guess it's kind of loosely trying, not preventing, but not really calculating

Nichelle: The whole, if it happens, it happens!

Brittany: Exactly. And so when we did get pregnant, it would've been six months after and so we were so excited. It's amazing. So we go in for our first appointment, it ended up being at the eight week mark. So I'd had the pregnancy test and we go into the appointment and I'm like, great, this is going to be ultrasound. No big deal. I've had plenty of ultrasounds with the other babies. And we get in and Chris has his phone, I'm sure he probably still has this video. I wonder if he does our ultrasound place. They have a monitor. So you're laying back and in front of you up on the wall, monitor

Nichelle: Not the little TV anymore. You've got a big screen up here.

Brittany: Yeah, they had a monitor up there and then she was doing the thing on her side and she's looking around and she can see the sack and she's like, okay, let's get a little closer.

And we're just all, where's the flutter? Okay, surely it's coming, where is it? And there was nothing fluttering. And so it, she was just like, let me take some pictures. Maybe the timing is off. Are you sure of the dates? Maybe you're not eight weeks along. Maybe you're only six weeks along. And we just can't see it yet. I just remember out of the corner of my eye, Chris stopped videoing because he was like, this is not good. So she continues to take all the pictures and she's just like, let me go get the doctor and let's just see. So my doctor comes in and she's just, I don't think we are not seeing a heartbeat. You're more than likely having a miscarriage. She started asking me about symptoms and things like that, which I felt very pregnant and was having, I mean, I just didn't know.

And so then she basically just walks me through my options and is like, you can let your body miscarry on its own. We can schedule a D and C. You know, guys don't have to decide right now. It just was kind of like, this is what is happening now. Boom, boom, boom. And I was just sort of like, okay, are we sure didn't, I don't know, but I was pretty positive on the dates, so I didn't really think there was much room for error as far as when it could have been. So we leave, she calls me an hour later, of course, where I'm bawling crying. It's just like I get in the car and I'm just, it hits me. I'm just like, well shit. I mean, was thought I was pregnant. And so about an hour later she calls me back and she was like, I was looking at the numbers and just the measurements and I'm just wondering if maybe the timing is off.

Maybe you were only six weeks along and we wouldn't have seen a heartbeat and what it's measuring, we wouldn't have seen a heartbeat. So let's just wait and see and we'll redo another ultrasound in another week and maybe the baby, maybe its heart will start beating. Maybe it was just too early. Did you feel in that moment, this surge of hope kind of come back? Yeah, I definitely was like, okay, there's a chance. So you're saying there's a chance and Chris was a lot more, that's great, but I think we know where this is going. But I was sort of, I just didn't want to give up and my body wasn't having any symptoms. I wasn't have any bleeding, so I was just like, I don't know what's going on. We go through all the emotions over the next week, go back in the week later, and they did another ultrasound and nothing has changed.

The measurements were the same. So it was clear at that point that the baby just stopped developing at the six week mark. It really didn't. Nothing happened past that. And I felt like a little bit more prepared for that ultrasound, even though it was still just confirming the reality. But we were also like, okay, it's okay. Yeah, you didn't do anything wrong. This is just, these things happen. Something could have been wrong with the baby and that's why it didn't develop or whatever. And so we scheduled D N C cause my body still hadn't done any right type of getting rid of the miscarriage on its own. I feel like, I don't even remember the timing of everything, but I think I went in for the ultrasound and then either had the D N C two days later or Yeah, I think that was right before you guys were going on vacation.

And it was right before we were supposed to go, oh yeah, we went first and then y'all went down and that's what it was because it was going to be, you're not going to be home for the next couple of weeks. And that was kind of like, I don't want to knock. You were like, yeah, you, I don't want to not be home for this. I mean there's so many people handle miscarriages so many different ways I've, what I've learned is I'll never judge anybody for how they feel is the best way. If they wanted to have the miscarriage on their own, have the D N C after you've lost the baby. Well we just did what was going to be best for us. And it was very simple. I mean it was very sad, but at the same time, I remember telling you after, I just was almost glad to not be pregnant anymore.

Yeah. Because it works was just so heavy. Yeah. One thing I feel like I learned the few days leading up that I knew I had a miscarriage and that there was no heartbeat telling some of our close friends and finding out from people I had a miscarriage too, or in between this baby and this baby, I had a miscarriage. And I'm like, I had no idea. It makes you wonder about the one in four. It's like, is it not more? Now so many people I think silently suffer. And I'm sure there's a lot of different reasons, but I feel like we've all just been very open here. And Nichelle's had unfortunately several miscarriages as well. And so I mean just turning to friends who have been through this, and one reason I wanted to just discuss it is because there's been so many messages that have come through that have said, I don't have anybody I can talk to about that.

I feel so alone, but thank you for saying something. Now I don't feel as alone. I love the new concept of people not being afraid to wait until the second trimester because that's kind of been the thing at first. I want to wait till I'm 12 or 16 weeks before I tell people because what if? And it's almost like, well, what if you did tell people and then they found out that you miscarried? You'd then have them there to support you. And that's what I told Chris, we were going to tell our small group about the pregnancy and then we were just decided we would wait until we did our first ultrasound. And he was kind of like, well, if we tell them what if we have a miscarriage or how. And I was like, well, these are the people we would want to be there and support us and pray with us through this.

And we did tell them. And I mean that was hard conversation. Okay, so like you said, not everybody handles it the same. Number one, number two, a lot different now and a lot more, like you said, a lot more people have had miscarriages more than you'll ever know. I know whenever I went through this, it was between what, 16 and 13 and 16 years ago and it was taboo to talk about it. You just didn't talk about it. So literally thank you to make for the help because I'm still in therapy for this. I'm processing it later. I do feel like it is a smart play to have your closest people around. Tell them, be excited when you can be excited. You deserve that. And then that way you do have that support system after. And not everybody, you don't understand it until you go through it.

And I feel like what's been kind of an interesting thing and something I feel like I will continue to navigate, my very best friend in the whole world found out she was pregnant a week after. And so of course we were like, this is going to be great. We're going to raise these babies together. They're going to be a week or two apart, and that's every best friend's dream. Then when I wasn't pregnant, I was like, cool. And I only lost that. You lost dream that you guys had had of doing this together. Right. And I think that is something that people struggle with. And I even remember when I was going through IVF and my friends were getting pregnant and I wasn't. And it felt like a shot in the heart, but at the same time, it's not that I'm not happy for them, it's just not me.

But miscarrying and then seeing your friends continue to move through their pregnancy and grow their families, it just is hard. And I think more people go through that than and have that type of hard feeling for a little bit than anything else. And of course it's like I love that little baby that's going to become in our family and in her family, but there are just hard parts of thinking that you're going to do something or thinking, oh, this is going to be great. And then it changes course. I mean, it is what it is. So for those of y'all who are also walking through the same thing, you are not alone. No. I think finding somebody to talk to, I strongly advise that. I think even if it's just one person, share that with somebody you know can trust. That way you have somebody by your side.

No matter. No matter what happens. Chris has been amazing and so supportive. So right after this happened, we had a two week vacation planned to be down at the beach with just our immediate family. And actually my best friend and her family were down there as well for the first week. And oddly, I wouldn't have had it any other way even though she was pregnant and there was something about us all being there, our families together. It just started this healing process even though I wasn't still pregnant. And she was, but it just was okay. And then they left and went home. That week of the eight of us all together was so much fun. And the kids had such a blast because they've got two kids. We've got two kids. It's actually kind of funny because her kids are, they're all six months apart.

So her oldest is six months older than Collins, and then her second is six months older than Hazel. And I'm like, well, maybe we just get back in the rotation and I'll get pregnant and it'll be exactly be six months after year baby's born or whatever. Exactly. But then we had a week of just Chris and I and the kids and that is where I feel I just was starting to heal. And we were so intentional with the family that we do have and just made these memories that, I mean we were like, should we move here? This is such a healing place. We're not moving to the beach. But I know I was like, well, I'm coming to, I told Chris, I was like, we have a lot of people that we'd have to relocate. I don't know if everybody would want to do that.

We are just dreaming. But it was just so healing, being down there. And I think just something about being near the ocean when you're going through some times of struggle and hardship, there's just something about it. I don't know what it is, but being by a large open body of water just is healing, very healing. And then we came back and life continued on. And that's kind of what it does. Yes, it's something that has happened and something that I think about. And sometimes I'm like, oh. But then there's been a lot of things that have been like, okay, well this happened for a reason, which I'm a very big, everything happens for a reason.

Nichelle: Yeah, we just talked about that earlier today. It was like, think of where you are now. Think of where you're supposed to be at the end of this year.

Think of all these things. And it's like, okay, God had a plan for that.

Brittany: Exactly.

Nichelle: God has a plan for it.

Brittany: At the end of the day, it obviously sucks.

Nichelle: It does.

Brittany: Nobody wants to lose their baby. I mean,

Nichelle: It's nothing to be ashamed of either. I feel like a lot of people live in shame. What they feel is okay, I don't want to tell anybody that I failed in their thought. They failed. And that is not what it is. It's the furthest thing from that. Don't feel like you failed or that you don't deserve to feel the way that you feel we're surrounded by it.

Brittany: I also think there's no wrong way to grieve. So in any situation of loss, for me, I needed to get away and spend time with family. But then I came back and just hopped right back into work.

And honestly, you and I went down and shot a bunch of content and that was healing for me. Doing some of those things and staying busy was also healing in a sense. And I think people handle grief differently. So I would just encourage you, do what you need to do and don't let somebody else's story be like, well, they did it this way, so now I need to grieve this way. And if you are listening and you're somebody who's going through this or has recently gone through this, I would just say extending them grace, but also still including them in things and not, yes, my best friend has been so amazing at just still being including me in conversation of her doctor's appointments. And I was very much like, please do not stop telling me about what's going on. And because then I would feel even weirder that this has happened to me

Nichelle: And you're scared around me, you're tap dancing around me.

Brittany: Yeah.

Nichelle: Yeah, exactly.

Brittany: So also, I think sharing that and telling your friends like, "Hey, I know I'm going through this, but I still want to, don't worry about me." I'm going to be okay. I still want to be included in part of these conversations or discussions or wherever, whatever it is that you're wanting to still be included with. Because sometimes it's, it can just be awkward and hard. And I'm like, I don't know what to say cause I've never been through this. And I think just being there and being, we had some friends, some of our friends just showed up with meals and we're like, "Hey, we got dinner for y'all tonight." And that even though I would be like, "no, it's fine. Don't worry about," it was such a weight lifted off that we could just be and not have to worry about some things.

So I think that's a great thing if you can be that type of friend to somebody else.

Nichelle: Externally, I think about things when people mean it with the best intent, but they're like, when are you guys going to have babies? When are you going to have a second? When are you guys going to have, and just thinking about things like that before they're said, because again, you do not know what's going on the other side. I think about that I think now because of what I've gone through, I didn't want people asking me that that hurt, that hurt even more because I'm like, great here. People are thinking around me. I'm just not even trying or whatever. It can be painful for those struggling.

Brittany: It really can. And I mean especially it's like funny, a lot of times I'll do these question boxes and on Instagram and I'm like, ask me anything.

And people will be like, when's baby number three happening? And I'm like, cool. Well thanks for reminding me. And I'm sure nobody's meaning it.

Nichelle: No, from her. I just place that people need to just think about that from the best intent on the other end.

Brittany: There's nosy and then there's like, okay,

Nichelle: It's just not being thoughtful.

Brittany: Yeah. But I think we are in a good place now. There are definitely times, and I'm sure on the due date in a few months I'll be like, that kind of stings, but Will something I will never forget. And I still feel like, I will remember January 5th, like it was yesterday we got home and we took a pregnancy test and we're like, oh my gosh, I'll remember telling you I made her test out a reel. I was like, come, let me test the lighting for this reel that we're about to film together. And she was like, okay. And so I'm just kind of move around

Nichelle: and I literally think I was looking on the floor and I was just like, Hmm, it's just a normal all the time kind of thing. And I'm like, oh, here's the lighting. And she's like, "I'm pregnant." I'm like, "what?"

Brittany: I know. And I feel like now I have all these videos of telling my friends and telling people on my phone saved under this album. And I'm like, I don't want to delete it. You don't, it's a memory.

Brittany: I can't yet. Yeah. Cause I don't want to forget about how special that was when we saw that we were pregnant.

Nichelle: Again. Grief. That's grief.

I mean, this is so not the same thing, but I think of one dog I had that passed away. It's, it hurts when I look at it right now, but one day I'm going to be so glad I have those. Right. It's just a memory that you get to hang onto.

Brittany: Yeah. I don't know. I think just at the end of the day, if you're going through miscarriage, if you've been through one or for all of those who will be going through this in the future, that just is what it is.

Nichelle: Or if you have a friend who's going through this.

Brittany: Yes. I just hope that you find comfort and just know you're not alone. Didn't, there's nothing wrong with you. This happens. But at the same time, there's people out there who are thinking about you and praying for you, and you don't have to be alone in this journey. And this is just sort of a recap of where we are and

Nichelle: I'm proud of you for sharing.

Brittany: Yeah, thanks for, it's crazy. I feel like obviously Nichelle and I have shared our infertility journeys and things like that on the podcast in the past, but also we've had a lot of in-depth personal conversations. And I remember when I was in between the two weeks of ultrasound, I'm like getting all this hope and you were almost don't want to have this conversation with you because I just don't want you to pop out of this place of hope, but I need you to understand the reality.

And that I feel like conversation was very hard to hear, but it prepared me for going into the result of,

Nichelle: It was tough saying it too. It was very tough saying it, but I'm like, I think that this is something I'd want to hear at the end of the day too.

Brittany: Right.

Nichelle: Yeah. But I mean you used your experience at going through a miscarriage to comfort me and just kind of level set expectations and I mean, you were so kind in the way you presented it. We had the conversation and there was nothing wrong with the conversation. It was just a reality. Let me just give you some expectations. But a friend who hasn't been through that wouldn't be able to have that conversation with somebody.

Brittany: So I'm sure me going through it, I will be able to help somebody righIn the future. I mean, I think if you just can, once you get past it, it just knowing that you might be able to help somebody.

I mean, I had conversations with friends that still continue to check in on me and they're like, how are you doing? I was thinking about my miscarriage. Something randomly popped in my head and I just want to check in on you. I mean, I had mine five years ago and still flutters of things happen. So I hope to be that type of friend someday. Yeah. Well, we appreciate you guys listening to this tough conversation. I hope that it helps somebody out there if you're going through this right now and struggling, just know that you're not alone and that we're praying for you and thinking about you. So thanks for being here.

Nichelle: Until next time.

Brittany: Hi friend! If you're loving the show, will you go find that follow button on your podcast app? This will ensure that you won't miss a single episode. I love having you in this community. Until next time!

This season of Love with Loverly is produced by Elizabeth Evans Media Productions.