Mindset, Motivation & The Power Of Your Thoughts with Life Coach Jenn Boughey

This podcast was transcribed using Descript. Please forgive any typos or errors.

Brittany: Hi friends. Welcome to Life with Loverly. I'm your host, Brittany Sjogren. I'm excited to share my heart with you beyond the 15 seconds we get on Instagram, grab an iced coffee and let's do life together. 

Hello friends. How are y'all happy Tuesday. So excited to be back on Life with Loverly. I have a very special guest on today. One of my favorite humans. She is actually my life coach. Her name is Jenn Boughey. Welcome to Life with Loverly, Jenn. 

Jenn: Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. 

Brittany: It's so crazy. Did you ever think when we very first met that one that our paths would cross again. 

Jenn: Isn't it wild? In fact, I was going through pictures over the weekend and I came across that race I was running where I found you, or I saw you. Billy, my husband said, go over there and introduce yourself. I'm like, I'm not doing it, and you were the kindest person ever, and it was so sweet to meet. You were pregnant. 

Brittany: Yes, that's right. I was pregnant with Hazel. Chris was running. I remember we were standing like in front of our house. This is down on 30A. Actually before today, all the times I've met you have been when we've been on vacation at 30 a. Chris is running in this race, so we're all standing outside watching and all of a sudden, Jenn and her family run by and she's like Loverly Grey, but you came over, which was so nice, and we had a great conversation. Yes. And I remember leaving that conversation being like, I really enjoyed her. I wanna look her up on Instagram and then I didn't even at the time really realize like what it was that you did. And it wasn't until later I realized you were a life coach and a mindset coach and fast forward, three years, I am one of Jenn's clients and we talk weekly and it's literally been one of the best things I could have done for myself.

Jenn: It's been so fun. It's been such a fun journey. I do feel like we have been touch and go throughout this over the past three years. So it feels so good to be here in person with you. 

Brittany: I know. I love it so much. Tell us a little bit about your background, your family, just a little bit about who you are before we get into the bulk of this episode, which you guys are gonna absolutely love. I cannot wait for the conversations that we're gonna have, but give us a little bit of background so people know what we're gonna be talking about here. 

Jenn: Sure. Whenever I was coming out of college, I realized the life that I was living was not really the trajectory of where I wanted to be. I had to take responsibility for myself and really understand , why was my life panning off the way that it was, so ultimately it came down to self beliefs and what I was believing about myself, what I was. Saying to myself over and over again. So I took a deep dive into counseling and I got a corporate job in Atlanta doing marketing over the years though, as I was really developing myself and who I was I became the director of culture, which is where I was able to help people develop themselves.

But then over time, as we were helping them develop their careers and how they were working together as teams, their personal lives started to spill out into my office. . And so the joke around the office became Jenn needs a tip jar. I did tell myself when I was leaving college, that if I could ever go back, I would want to go back to psychology.

Cuz I love people. I love the heart of people. I feel like my supernatural power is loving and encouraging people. And so I did. There came a point where I was married and I was about to start my family with Billy and I went back and got my masters. So I became a counselor, which I absolutely loved yet it just didn't quite fill the bucket for me. Here's why, I felt as if I was sitting across the table from my clients or, but I wanted to sit on the same side of the table with them. I wanted to really do life with them and believe in them in a way that really, I don't know if you can do it in the counseling realm.

The other part I loved about mindset work and really life coaching was your focus is forward. Everything you're doing is forward focus. We definitely go back into the past for specific things, but really everywhere is looking to the future where you wanna be where the action is. So that's where I came to be. I've been doing life coaching for three solid years, and it has been the best ride ever.

Brittany: I love that. And as one of your clients, that's something that. I liked about talking with you as opposed to like just a counselor or a therapist, because the goal was always like, let's fix this, but while we're moving forward and I feel like for me, I'm such a busy person, there's a lot going on. That type of counseling mindset, life coach was really what I wanted, cuz it was more than just like one issue. I think a lot of what we talk about, it's 360 and then it's all getting worked on and moved into a forward thinking and like changing my mindset on things. And I didn't even realize like that was kind of an option. 

Jenn: Sure. Yes. And I don't think most people do. I think they think counseling, which feels scary and it feels sometimes like you're gonna be sitting in pain for a very long time. That's not always true, but I would say really the difference between counseling and coaching on just a very basic level it's counseling tends to figure out why you are the way that you are or if you have more mental health issues going on, depression, things like that.

Whereas life coaching is where do you wanna go? Where do you wanna be? What's not working in your life. And then what can we do about your thoughts? What can we do about what you're believing about yourself and how can we start taking action towards that future self? 

Brittany: I remember like talking with Chris before I signed up to do one-on-one coaching with you, and I was telling him I was like, I really wanna talk to somebody, but I'm scared to just go talk to somebody who maybe doesn't understand what I do, or I have so much history before we can even start working on anything. I'm gonna have to spend so many sessions just explaining like why this is a problem for me. Even though I had to share history with you and tell you why I felt the way that I felt, but it always felt very okay, It wasn't a hold up. Yeah. If that makes sense. 

Jenn: Makes sense. Yes. Here's the thing mindset is at the foundation of everything, right? I know that. So I can really take whatever you bring to the table and I get to work with it because your mindset is right there. Same is true for me. So anytime I'm either in a predicament or I'm struggling, I know at the basis of it, it's my mindset. So we're gonna have circumstances. Life, things happen to us. Stressful events. But at the end of the day, it's all kind of sitting right there. So I like to hold space for history. I like to hold space to understand enough yet I really am big about getting the ball rolling and getting you to where you wanna be.

Brittany: Yeah, no, it's been so helpful and we'll get into that a little bit more, but let's talk about the power of our thoughts and how they're ultimately dictated by our beliefs in ourselves. 

Jenn: Yes. So our thoughts, whenever you think about what you're thinking about, this is called metacognition and many of us don't do this. So we're going about our day and we're bebopping along and then all of a sudden you're driving down the road or maybe you're sitting in your kitchen and you just have this awful feeling and you just, your whole day gets turned upside down. Now it's like downward spiral. We have all, you're probably be shaking your head

yes. Cuz at some level we have all experienced this. All of this really ultimately boils down to what you are thinking because what we know about. Thoughts as our thoughts dictate how we are emoting what's going on in terms of how we're feeling. So we want to be aware of what we're thinking, and we are not really taught that, we're taught to just do what we've been told or just move about life, be successful. And oftentimes what's really causing our pain is our thoughts. It's not what's happening in life, right? They say, it's not what's happening to you, but it's how you are perceiving it. That's how you're taking it. so your thoughts really are the number one indicator in terms of your mindset and where you currently really are.

Brittany: It's so crazy too, because once for me, once I started thinking about my thoughts a little bit more, it was like, wait, I have control over this. I don't have to think that I've been just as assuming for so long that like, all right, I'm gonna be on this downward spiral for a few days and then hopefully I'll get over it. That's like a lie. I'm telling myself when I can just change what my belief is.

Jenn: Right? Yes. And we have this thing in our brain called the particular activating system and what this does is whatever we're thinking about your brain sets out to prove whatever it is you're thinking. So you can tell your brain that the sky is blue if you want, but you can also tell it that it's a totally different color, and obviously that's an extreme example, but it is very true that you find evidence for whatever it is. So if you are constantly telling yourself, you're the girl that's left out, all your brain is going to pick up on, is all the places where girl girlfriends haven't invited you, or you were not on a group text, or you weren't invited to a birthday party yet.

What you're dismissing is all the other evidence that is still sitting there that says you were invited. What I help my clients do is really start looking for the opposite evidence if they want to believe something different. Then the other thing about that is that we have to see and understand are our thoughts creating more pain?

Are they helping us become the person we want to be? If you're currently in a place in life right now where you are not happy and you are not fulfilled and satisfied, then my number one suggestion to you would be to go back to your thoughts. What is it that you're thinking about? And ultimately, what is it that you are proving to yourself.

Brittany: Obviously just based off of that alone, our beliefs really are running the show. So changing your beliefs, or maybe not necessarily changing your beliefs, but reevaluating, what you're wanting to tell yourself, what is this story? I don't, I think of that this is so true, like in mom, life in work life, there's so many things that society is telling us that we need to do it this way or be this for whoever. You get to control what those thoughts and beliefs are. 

Jenn: Yes, absolutely. And so the other thing, as you say that it makes me think about how we oftentimes live out of these definitions of success. That culture is set, or even that mom and dad have set, or maybe it's the spouse or the best friend, or maybe it's even your setting based off comparison of where somebody else is in their own life.

 When we take full responsibility and what you're saying, realizing that the power is in our hands. Then we get to decide what success really means for us, and when we are creating the own measuring stick or we know what we need to be doing or what we need to be thinking in order to be successful on our own terms, then you feel confident and empowered and excited about life.

 You feel motivated because you are going where you want to go, where you have decided, and now you are the person who's in charge, not circumstances in life and kind of this whirlwind all around us. So we get to decide. The other thing about beliefs is where our beliefs stem from. They come from a couple different places.

One is they come from just our family of origin. They come from what was said to us over and over again, if you think about your family mantras, when you were growing up, children are seeing not heard. You always finish your dinner plate. There's all these things, that we've heard time and time again.

Those get ingrained into us and we don't even challenge them as adults. We just live out of them. And so that's one way we get beliefs. Another way we get beliefs is by our own personal experiences in life. And what happens is our brain wants to make shortcuts. So whenever we're starting to think of thought, and then we have an experience that matches that thought we start ingraining those thoughts and those beliefs at the same time, then over time it just becomes this ingrained belief. So for example, if you are terrible at math, you're not really good at math and you've had these multiple experiences, then you might over time tell yourself that I'm just not gonna be good with my finances growing up.

And you won't be why? Because you're telling yourself you won't be right. 

Brittany: You already expect to not. So then you're okay with not because that's what you've told yourself. 

And you're almost like, great, okay. This is exactly what I thought. The other part of this could be true, right?

Jenn: Life is 50 50. So if that's also true, what we really wanna do in mindset work is open ourselves up to possibilities. What else is possible out there? And when we open ourselves up to possibilities, that's really, when we begin to grow, we begin to transition into shift into a different mindset. Because what if we were to say in that moment, what if I'm not great at math and I can still be good at my finances. What if I don't have to be the pro at math, but I get to hire somebody else to do my finance part of my life. So whenever you open up possibilities, you begin to start shifting some of your beliefs. So all beliefs really are, they are thoughts that are thought over and over and over and over again until they are ingrained into a belief.

And you're still thinking them. It's just, you're not aware of. In fact, we live 90% of the subconscious parts of our brain, and we only live out of the 10%. Right now, our reasoning, our executive functioning right now is only 10%. So most everything that we do think feel experience in life is coming outta 90% of our subconscious.

What we do in mindset work is we really start breaking that open and we want to become more and more aware of what's really happening. Who really told you, you couldn't do that. Who really told you're not good enough. Who really told you're too old. You're too young. You're too, whatever.

You're too big. You're too much. And so when we start challenging that. Then we get to empower ourselves and say, wow, maybe I get to tell myself something different. 

Brittany: I think that empowering yourself too. Has it also gives you just this feeling that I can change this or I can change that belief or that doesn't have to be why and you gain this confidence in yourself when you start to have those thoughts. I remember after some of our early on conversations, I was taking what Jenn was saying and like in our session, putting it into practice and really stepping back and feeling those new feelings around a new belief or trying to have a different thought around something and it being okay or it working and being like, okay.

So if I would've never tried that, I would just still be sitting in this unhappy place, because this is just what I am now expecting that experience to be for me. 

Jenn: Yes.

Brittany: So you really get this empowering sense. And then it makes you wanna challenge other areas where you're like, I could improve over here.

Let's try that same exercise. over here and see what happens. 

Jenn: Yeah. It's like trying on thoughts. It's almost like trying on an outfit, right? I'm just gonna try on this thought for today. You're not married to it, but what it does, it gets you into the exercise of the possibility, what else could be true? What else could I be living out of? What else is possible? What other opportunity do I have? Yes. Then you get to see a different result because what we know is that how you think dictates how you feel and how you feel dictates what you. So if you're not feeling motivated, you're not gonna do anything, but if you feel motivated, you're gonna go tackle your whole to-do list today.

 The other thing too, is our feelings can be liars. The reason our feelings can be liars is because our feelings come from our thoughts. . So if we're lying to ourselves, then that emotion is a lie. So we really start examining. Some of my clients are more feelers and thinkers, and so we really start examining the emotions.

And where is that really coming from? I like to say pay attention to attention, anytime you feel a heightened emotion, pay attention, what's really going on. What are you thinking? What just happened? What really got you into that head space, and then you wanna start challenging. What it is maybe that you are thinking in that moment. 

Brittany: So I know we've talked about creating our own reality. Can you touch a little bit about on that and what that means and give us some tools on how we can do that?

Jenn: So there is essentially a circular pattern with this, so you have a belief and then you have your expectation, you behave a certain way, and then it creates your results. So this can happen for us or it can happen against us. So you really wanna make sure that what you're believing or what you're really thinking about over and over again, either about yourself or about your circumstances, that it's going to provide you with the expectations and behavior that you want to get the result that you want.

So let's do an example. Let's say you were trying to get a job that you did not think that you were qualified for, or maybe it was above your head in terms of applying. If you believe that about yourself then, and you're hesitant, then you're going to go into the interview probably a little disheveled.

You're probably gonna be like, your shoulder's gonna be hanging low. You're not gonna be super confident. You're not gonna speak up as much because at the end of the day, you're already believing you're not gonna get it. You're already believing you're not qualified, and then you're behavior gets the results that you have because they don't feel the confidence coming from you.

And so while maybe you were qualified or maybe even if you weren't, they're not gonna pick you because you have already decided for yourself that you're not the one for the job. So we can flip that and say, I am qualified. I do have what it takes. I can step up. Then it can go in the positive direction for you and then you do show up with confidence and you are much more likely to get the job. 

Brittany: It's so true. I can even think of that exact scenario. I came from staffing before I was an influencer and you could absolutely tell some of my hiring managers would be like I feel like they didn't have all of the skills, but they were attracted more to the actual attitude the person had because of their confidence.

 That was something that person told them, told themselves, I believe in myself and I believe I can get this. 

Jenn: Yes. I always like to say that people will believe in you and they will hold confidence for you at the same level you hold confidence for yourself. So however you walk into a room with power or clarity on who you are in confidence. Other people are gonna be like, oh, Hey, okay. Yeah, but if we walk in with our shoulders down and we're unsure of ourselves and we're gonna hide ourselves in the corner, we're not gonna connect. And then we walk out feeling and believing the same exact thing we've always done because that's all we're thinking.

We have to change up our thoughts. So if you want something different, you have to change the way you're thinking and you gotta start changing the way you're believing, which also brings me to another point about affirm. I love affirmations. I think they're wonderful. I can also tell you that they get times can be unhelpful.

So if you are telling yourself, I'm a really upbeat, happy person, and that's just not who you are right now, let's lean into something that's a little bit more believable. Something like I'm learning how to be more upbeat. I'm learning how to see the positive things in life because sometimes when we feel like we're lying to ourselves, we actually make the negative deeper because we say, oh, here I go again, telling myself the same thing that I'm not really. We actually make the negative belief stronger. So try it whenever you're thinking about your affirmations and make sure that they feel believable and they are still building a bridge to the affirmation, you ultimately really want to believe.

Brittany: That's I feel like very important, even just as moms doing affirmations with our kids, and being very cautious in what we're teaching them, because going back to your point on, we were taught to believe X, Y, Z, and then maybe as we've gotten older, that hasn't necessarily been the case. Making sure the reality of what we're teaching our kids also falls in line with this conversation. 

Jenn: Yes. It brings me to this visual. I have all these visuals in my head all the time. I'm carrying this platter. We all are, right. When we grow up, we are carrying a platter when we're first born and the platter is completely empty and we're looking around to our caretakers and our coaches and our teachers and our mentors and our best friends.

 We're basically asking everybody who am I because we're searching for it. We don't know who we are. As we get to be adults, many of us are carrying around these platters and they have all kinds of things that are stacked up on us that are other people's rotten beliefs that are other people's opinions, that don't service that are other people's way of looking at life or their perspective or their limited mindset or their fixed mindset, and we are taking it on as ours. And we think that there's something wrong with us, or we think that for some reason we can't quite get over the hump, but what we really need to do is assess like what is on the platter and do we need to be taking some of these things off? So whenever you mentioned kids, I'm constantly asking myself.

What am I putting on my kids' platters? Am I infusing confidence? Am I infusing who they really are? Because we have to remember that what we focus on gets bigger. So if we're focusing on what they're doing wrong, about how they're not being kind, they're not sharing, then that's what they're gonna remember.

That's gonna be the tape that's going over and over in their heads. So what I like to say is, Hey, we are a Boughey and we are sharers. Can you please share that you share? I constantly say what I want them to be, because that ultimately is what's gonna go on their platter. 

Brittany: That's so important. Collins right now is three, and I feel like we're trying to navigate so many, things with her as she's learning and getting a little bit older. I'm having these internal conversations with my, in my head on just am I teaching her enough of the the right things? Is she around enough people who are gonna steer her in the right direction? It can be so challenging as a mom. I feel like that's really good advice is like teaching them what we want them to be. Instead of just always like focusing on you're not doing this, you're not doing this. 

Jenn: Yeah. And it's a great reminder that if you're a mom, the best thing you can do for not only yourself, but for your legacy and your children is to work on your mindset.

 Is to figure it out because we can't give other people what we don't have. So if we don't have a foundational mindset, that's born in abundance and born in growth and born in grace and compassion towards ourselves instead of judgment, then how in the world are we gonna be able to give that to our kids and our kids?

What's the age old saying? More is caught than taught. So they're gonna watch us and how we talk to ourselves is more often not going to be how we talk to them.

Brittany: That point alone. I feel like is so important if you're a new mom, go back a little bit and re-listen to what we just said right there, because that I feel like is so important.

Jenn: Yes. 

Brittany: So we polled our audience on the Life with Loverly Instagram and we let them know who was coming on and they gave us some questions that they had. So I wanted to just go through a few of these and your opinion and your advice on some of these questions, if you don't mind.

Jenn: Would love to.

Brittany: So our first question is how to encourage or help a teen who is struggling with self-worth. 

Jenn: It's so hard, right? As a mom, as a parent to really watch your teens struggle. I think the biggest thing that we can do is we can't do the work for them, but we can encourage them and remind them of who they are.

So almost to the point that we were just talking about. Really telling them who they are really catching them in the great moments if they're doing something exceptionally well, or even if it's in the mundane every day, really validating those true characteristic traits of them that maybe they don't see in themselves.

I think also it's so wise to help. Give them a space to be safe and to vent and to talk about things and process, if you're not that person and they don't feel comfortable doing that, just to make sure that you're giving them that place, but I think my biggest thing would be to help infuse thoughts that are going to really build them up and help them remember who they are. So really speaking that identity into them. 

Brittany: My oldest is only three, so we're not in the teenage years yet, but I can only imagine how difficult raising teens in this time right now with social media, the way that it is, and just all these external thoughts and beliefs that they are just gathering by opening up apps. That maybe the parent doesn't even have any idea that this is a new thought that they're thinking about themselves. I was talking with some friends over the weekend and one of them was telling me about her daughter and how social media has played such a big, not importance, but there's just been so many issues that have come from it.

 And she just continued to say removing that idea and almost convincing her daughter I am here for you. Let's talk through what you're experiencing and why are you believing that about yourself? Do you really believe that about yourself? And just really digging deep and asking some of those tough questions, but like you said, being a safe place for them. And if that isn't, if they don't feel comfortable, like with you then seeking counseling or doing something else, but I don't know. It's just, I feel like social media is such like. A crazy, it's a crazy time.

Jenn: It really is. Yes. You bring up a great point with influences. Like what is around them that is influencing the way they're thinking and feeling and what are some of those that you can control and take away so that you can be building an influences that are going to up their self worth.

Also being that safe place for them to land is really important. Like you mentioned, we wanna make sure that we're asking open. Questions, meaning not a yes or no answer. So tell me a little bit more about what's going on. Is there a way that mom and dad can help and we wanna make sure that whenever, if your child does open up to you, that you might be freaking out on the inside, right?

However we wanna save face with them and we wanna create that safe environment so they can continue to open up. So we don't wanna judge them, even if it's something that you technically would get them in trouble for. You want to keep holding that space for them so they can just be vulnerable. They can just share it with you because our kids are going to be vulnerable with us to the level at which we create that safe place for them.

 You can model that both in word and also in your actions, but I think you're right. I think being that safe place is going to be helpful.

Brittany: I remember even when I was growing up and just bringing some issues to my mom or saying things that I was like, this could get me in trouble and then her not getting me in trouble, but welcoming the conversation.

 Then we were able to dive deeper into the conversation. I really appreciated that sounding board, but also a safe place. So then the next time I wanted to have that conversation or something similar, I knew I could trust her. And that doesn't mean that every time I like decided to open up, there weren't repercussions for maybe whatever the action was, but thinking back now, how important that made me feel and that she was valuing my feelings I was bringing to the table. 

Jenn: Yeah. Cuz even that act alone, she's showing you, you mean something and this is important. You're important to me. So she was modeling that for you, which then was an also infusing self-confidence. 

Brittany: Yeah, man raising kids is just, it's such a beautiful thing, but there's so many there's no handbook that came along with the kid that was like, okay, when they get to this point, do this, but it's just wild. Okay. So continuing the talk with kids, work life balance and prioritizing kids just, I guess like with, or without kids like work life balance, I feel like. It felt like for me, once I graduated college and I got this great job, I was in sales and all of a sudden my work became my life I feel like there wasn't a lot of balance and I think about people now who are working from home, or maybe after the pandemic started working from home, they really didn't have a outside work balance.

Do you have any suggestions or thoughts around? 

Jenn: Yes. I think a lot of my clients actually come to me with this and the biggest thing I point them to is, again, going back to the definition of success, oftentimes we don't even know what we're defining as success. So we're just running around, being a puppet to the world or to our work or whatever it may be.

Ultimately, we are voting with our time what's important. And so the first thing I would do is I would ask you, where are you spending your time? And then once you really look at that and you're tracking your time, is that where you want it to be? And if not, where do you want it to be? What do you want life to look like?

I think we can't really make changes nor can we be satisfied and happy if we are not first making a decision of what we want. I also struggle with a little bit, if, is there really truly work life balance? I think there's times where I'm more in life, more doing the mom thing, enjoying social stuff. And then there's times where I'm more involved in work and I'm really heavy lifting on that side of it.

So I think it also depends on how you're thinking about it, what's wrong about currently where you are and your work life balance what feels off for you. What's not working. And then that's gonna be a good starting place for you to begin to say, what would work? What do I wanna see? How do I want my schedule to look and then start taking action steps to get there?

Brittany: And again, what you believe about each of those scenarios? Are you already believing, oh, I work too much. don't have enough time with my kids, but I'm not really gonna stop it cuz I have to keep working. Or can you shift that mindset a little bit, rearrange some things and figure out like, what are your priorities, right?

Jenn: Yeah. And what preoccupies us is how we define success. So whatever you're preoccupied with, that's ultimately how you are measuring yourself. Is that how you wanna measure yourself? Is it fair to you? Is it fair to you, your future self? If it's not helping you right now, then you want to switch that so that you are motivated and excited to move forward versus beating yourself up. Because let's be honest how many times has beating ourselves up? Actually gotten us to where we want to be, right? No, it's no one is going to be shaking their head yes. Of course it doesn't. So we wanna make sure that we're leaning into compassion and grace and excitement with positive thoughts that are actually gonna spur us forward.

Brittany: I think sometimes with this, because for me I feel like sometimes I don't really have a work life balance because my job is my life and it's hard to turn off in certain areas. And so sometimes I feel like, okay, if I don't show up for my job, then there's this weird void, or I feel nervous to give it a shot because I don't know how people will take that.

Or if I'm like I'm gonna take the day off from social media, but really that's like me investing and spending more time in my family, which ultimately is the most important thing sometimes it feels scary, and so it feels like a risk. But I've had to learn, like sometimes these risks are worth taking and then you can reevaluate like how working on the weekends look, or maybe there's a lot of good, that's gonna come out of spending all this extra time with your family.

If that's something you can do. And then how can you rework it, so you get that more often. Yes. And once I shifted the, my mindset. For so long, I was like, I can't do that. That's too scary. Or that's not gonna work. I'm just gonna continue getting by this way. Now I have made it to where I I have certain days off where I'm doing, something for myself, something with my family and I'm not even looking back, so I was in my own way in that situation. 

Jenn: Yes, that's right. And I think too, like you said, being brave enough to think through other possibilities and being willing to try it on, just try it on. We're not marrying it. We don't, we can always revert back. But what we wanna ask ourselves, If I keep doing what I'm doing, what's it gonna cost me? What's the sacrifice, and it makes us get really honest with ourselves and it makes us realize, that we're the ones that, we're the one we are the only one that can change it.

 If nothing changes. Yeah. So if you want something different, you have to risk it in order to get the life you want or the margin you want. 

Brittany: All right. Our next reader question actually goes with what we were just talking about a little bit, but. Somebody asks, how do I push past fear and doubt when I'm starting something new?

Jenn: I think if anyone is starting something new, we are definitely gonna have fear and doubt. So the question really becomes how do we move through the fear and feel comfortable? And most oftentimes we're not going to feel comfortable. We have to learn how to be inside the uncomfortable and know we're gonna be okay.

So it's gonna stem back to your thoughts. How are you talking to yourself? What's the story you're telling yourself. And then also being honest about what you're really afraid of. Most of us go into polarized thinking, which is black and white. It's either gonna fail or it's gonna be great. What about if there's something in the middle?

What if you fail for part of it, but then this other side of it, you get this brand new idea or this brand new creative outlet that you didn't even think was gonna come of this. So I think I would ask what really is it that you're afraid of and is that a hundred percent going to happen? Most often we would say no.

The other thing is that life is 50 50, so life is 50% great, and it's also 50% bad. It just is what it is. No one got anywhere great by being comfortable, they had to learn how to be uncomfortable. So also what comes to mind for me is for you to remember your why is it that you wanna start something new?

What is it in the future that you see yourself doing? Or what is it that you are visioning for yourself and be anchored to that, because that is going to be what's gonna bring purpose to the uncomfortability, right? It's gonna bring purpose to you pushing through and it making it worth the risk. 

Brittany: And that's, you and I have even had this conversation in some things that I've been doing with my business, and it's I want to take it to the next level and that middle part might be uncomfortable and it's gonna be unknown and I'm gonna have all these feelings around. Can I even do it? I don't know. Can my team do it? Are we able make it happen? But there's always gonna be those type of questions, but remembering the why and what is the bigger picture? Yeah, I feel like has helped me be like, we can tackle this. It's gonna be hard, but we can get through the hard and that's going back to what your mindset on the entire situation is.

Jenn: Yes. And so when you do fail, what are the resources and the strengths that you have to get yourself up back up again and moving forward, you're gonna do it. You will, because if your why is strong enough, it's gonna keep you moving forward. And you're not really going to care if you fail, you're just gonna make sure that you finally get to the finish line, right?

Brittany: Yeah. That's so true. Okay. So next reader question. This is such a big one. I feel like I'm gonna be taking notes with this one as well. So how to not be a people pleaser. 

Jenn: Wow. That is a very good question. So what I've learned about people pleasing and being one myself, a recovering one, I do not say I'm recovered.

I'm recovering is that oftentimes people pleasing comes from parent pleasing growing up. And so what we have learned is if we make other people comfortable, then they don't have bare the burden, right? They don't have to be the one that uncomfortable. We can do it. And we ultimately end up isolating ourselves and making all of the pain come onto us. So whenever we are a people pleaser, we essentially are putting other people's needs before our own. And so when you're asking how not to be people pleaser, I think the first thing I would ask yourself is why are you people pleasing and what circumstances or situations do you find yourself, people pleasing and then even asking.

What is uncomfortable about you being assertive? Cuz usually it's the skill at hand that's missing as assertiveness. I'm going to tell you how I feel. I'm gonna tell you what I really think. I'm gonna tell you that I actually can't do that even though my schedule is slammed. But I also believe people pleasing can come from culture at large.

We can do all the things, be all the things to everybody. Be superwoman essentially. And it's really at the end of the day, we are the ones that suffer the most from that . The other thing about people pleasing is that we have to remember that it is a, it's a thing that you have grown into over time.

And it's actually attached to your belief system about who you are. You love to be known as the person who can do all the things or who is always willing to say yes. What's a great place to start for not being a people pleaser is for you to start small start saying no in small areas where it actually really doesn't serve you to say.

So we don't wanna say no, just for the sake of saying no, but we really want to make sure that we're being true to ourselves. And we are saying yes, whenever we actually really mean it. The other thing with people pleasers is that we are afraid of what other people will think about us. Here's what I've learned over my lifespan is that people are gonna have opinions and thoughts about who you are regardless if you're people pleasing or not, regardless if you're doing what you think that they want you to be doing or not. So why not just live your life and be who you were made and created to be, and live out loud versus trying to spend your whole life pleasing everybody else. But really at the end of the day, you're the one that suffers.

You're the one that's not happy because you have spent so much of your time trying to make other people happy and it doesn't even work most time. It doesn't even work.

Brittany: It's such a big thing, and it seems I can't tackle that. I'm just gonna keep pleasing people because I can't change but then here we go back to we're telling ourselves that where we've convinced ourself, we're believing that when it can really be making these small changes.

Yes. So for example, I feel like I get requests all the time. Can I see an example for wedding guest dresses. I'm going on this super specific trip and I need X, Y, Z outfit. And while internally I wanna be like, oh yeah let me stop everything I'm doing. And go give that to somebody. I know I have all of these outfit ideas curated already in these shoppable places where people just have to go search on their own. I've started to not feel bad if I can't give them that exact answer they need right now but instead redirect them. Here's where you can find all of those type of outfits or go to my to know what profile and search wedding guests, and several ideas will pop up.

I'm still fulfilling their need, but it's not me feeling I have to stop everything I'm doing. Go give them this, which then throws me completely off for where I am. That's a small task that a small change I made to not be always like such a people pleaser, but then it's also working better just for my own mental health, right?

Jenn: Yes. You feel more free, you feel confident and even giving a response back that feels aligned with who you are. It also goes back to what do you really want going back to, why do you want it? What do you want your life to look like, and then living from that place of alignment and from that place of truth, from who you really know that you are, which again goes back to your thoughts. What are you thinking about yourself? What's the story you're telling yourself. 

Brittany: And honestly, as somebody who would consider myself a people pleaser. Once I started talking with Jenn and reevaluating my mindset and started going through what are my beliefs and just walking through this talk that we've been having this conversation about, I'm really able to be picky about how do I wanna shift some changes so that it makes me a better person for myself and for my family. I think really all of this is all connected. So once you start getting on track with your mindset and what your beliefs are and what you're telling yourself.

Some of these other things open up and then you're already training your mind. It's okay if I say no to that, because that doesn't align with what I'm telling myself right now. Yes. And I'm telling myself that because I'm trying to work on this area of my life. Then you almost feel a confidence you're not being a people pleaser, you're just doing what's best for you. 

Jenn: That's right. Yeah. You have this deep conviction of who you are and why you're saying no, or why you're saying yes. It feels congruent with what you say you want and then also who you wanna be. It all starts working together. I think that's one thing I love about mindset work. I said it in the very beginning, right? It's this foundation of everything you do and say it all starts working together. So whenever you start working on one area, That it's a natural progression for you to just start hitting all these other areas.

It's almost a domino effect. Because you can't work on mindset in one area and it not begin to affect the other areas because you just start practicing how you're beginning to talk to yourself also in other area. So I love hearing that. 

Brittany: Yeah. Okay. Our last reader question that we have is around feeling stuck. If you, what is your suggestion? If you're in a place you're just like feeling stuck, maybe you're having a bad day. What do you suggest to kinda get outta that funk? 

Jenn: So oftentimes whenever we are stuck, typically we are overthinking it, or we have so many things on our plate that we don't even know where to begin.

 My suggestion to you would be to take some type of action, whether it is in the email, whether it's go for a walk, move your body, because when a body is in motion, it stays in motion. And oftentimes that is the hardest thing. If you have so many things at hand, I would suggest that you pick three things to do that day.

 Make sure that they are attainable. Oftentimes whenever we go to take action or decide to actually do something, they are these monumental tasks that in reality, they're not attainable for one day. So make sure that you're taking your bigger task and breaking them down into smaller task. 

Brittany: Okay, Jenn thank you so much for being on the podcast today, before we go, will you tell our listeners how they can find you and maybe a few of the services that you offer just in case anybody is interested in talking with you a little bit further.

Jenn: Thanks so much for having me. Yes. You can find me on Instagram at Jenn Boughey and also my website, which is Jenn boughey.com. Currently the services that I offer are one to one coaching where we meet once a week for a select amount of time, and I really get to dive in and sit next to you and believe on your behalf and do some really fun mindset work.

 I also have group coaching where I work with a group of women for three months at a time. And you can currently get on my wait list for that. 

Brittany: So exciting. Jenn is amazing. We're gonna leave her website and her Instagram in the show notes. So you can easily find her following along with you on Instagram. I feel like you do the perfect mix of real life, but you throw in these tidbits of mindset work and motivational things that I feel like sometimes I'm like, ah, I really needed to see that today. I'm so glad she posted. So you guys will absolutely love following Jen through looking for that type of content as well.

Jenn: Yes. I'd love to have you guys.

Brittany: Yeah. Thank you so much for being here. I feel like we're gonna have to probably get some type of series on the book, because I feel like this episode was great. There's so much more that we could dive into just as you and I are talking every week and some of the things you're helping me overcome.

I wanted to share a little bit of that with our community here. So I'm so thankful that you are here today for all of our listeners on Life with Loverly. We are so thankful for you and we will see you next week. Thanks for listening to today's episode. I can't wait to continue these conversations with you over on Instagram at Life with Loverly until next time.

Nichelle: That was perfect.