On today’s episode I am chatting with Jenn Boughey about the importance of values and how they will guide you through decisions you make with confidence. Jenn is answering questions that you all submitted. This episode is full of the good stuff. Be ready to take notes!
In this episode you’ll hear
• What is truly the reason behind conflicts
• Why defining values is so important
• How you can make decisions with confidence
• Tips to handle shame, fear, discontentment, overthinking, worry, anxiety, stress and extended family boundaries
• The framework behind the values exercise at 13:50
Follow Jenn on Instagram @jennboughey
Grab your iced coffee and let’s continue the chat over on Instagram @lifewithloverly
This podcast was transcribed using Descript. Please forgive any typos or errors.
Brittany: Hi friends. Welcome to Life with Loverly. I'm your host, Brittany Sjogren. I'm excited to share my heart with you beyond the 15 seconds we get on Instagram, grab an ice coffee and let's do life together.
Hi friends. Welcome back to today's episode of Life with Loverly. I am so excited to have a special guest back in the studio today, Jenn Boughey. Welcome Jenn.
Jenn: Hello, excited to be back.
Brittany: How are you?
Jenn: Great, I'm great. Excited for summer.
Brittany: I know, are your kids out of school yet?
Jenn: They have one more day tomorrow.
Brittany: Oh my goodness. I feel like this is such a busy time just with schedules changing, like kids' camp starting and even the, really the last two weeks before the school year ends, it's just there's so much going on.
Jenn: So what's the new nickname for may? Maycember because it's just so crazy.
Brittany: So true. I've never thought of it. May has always been like a crazy month for my family. Just growing up, my mom and my brother, both of their birthdays are in May. My mom's birthday usually, always falls around like Mother's Day.
So it's Mother's Day, her birthday then my brother's birthday. And then my dad, his busy time with his tennis team is always in the month of May. I feel like and graduations. Now I have a family of my own and they're scheduled and it seems like it doesn't ever get much better.
Jenn: It really doesn't. And I don't know why every year I'm always surprised. I'm like, oh, why am I not learning by this? I'm beginning to keep in my mind thinking of mindset is that May is a transitional month and I need to be prepared for that, prepare my family for that. So I think next year we're going to do this well.
Brittany: Yeah, I know. You're like coming soon. Jenn and her husband, Billy, came to meet with our team a few weeks ago and it was awesome. They helped us work through some values and communication that we have within our business. It was such a cool time for them to pour into us and us to share what our business values were and them to just share a lot of ways that we can work together as a company and having values and the importance of that.
I thought it would be really cool to bring her back on the podcast because you guys absolutely loved the first episode that Jenn did with us last season, where we talked all about mindset, but this time we wanted to talk a little bit more about values and how as a person or as a family, you can create your own set of values and the importance around that. So that's really where we're going to kick off today's episode. And then we have some listener submitted questions to ask Jenn. So I feel like it will be a really exciting episode.
Jenn: It's going to be a great conversation. Yeah. Values are one of those things that I think most people. It's not a sexy thing to talk about. It feels very boring, almost like goals, but when you think about your values and you really start looking at these words and your heart on the inside, just lights up. Cause you're like, yes, that's so important for me, values really help you understand like what you're all about.
They're so very unique for each of us. So whenever we can sit down, look at a long list of words, or it may be just 20 to 25 words and really peel back. This is what's so important for me. It really helps you understand yourself. I think one thing that sets us apart from any other creation in the world is that we can name our emotions.
We can name what's important to us. And I just think whenever we can do that as humans, it makes us feel so understood. I love John Maxwell's quote that says, if you can know yourself, you can lead yourself. And once we know ourselves and can lead ourselves and we can also know others and lead others. So I think if you're in any position of influence or you want to be a leader, or you're a mom, or you're a great boss, we all have influence at some level.
So whenever we get to know ourselves, it's a great way for us to be able to propel that forward. And one way we can do that is through values. It's such an easy way to be able to be self-aware about what's important for us.
Brittany: I feel like too once, if there's an issue of conflict or something in your life that happens feels uneasy to me for whatever reason, it's probably because one of something that you value is not happening, or it's pinging at you for some reason, but identifying and knowing this is my value.
I'm not going past that. I wish I would have identified some values for myself earlier in life, so that when I was having some of these questioning times being like, I don't agree with that, but why exactly is that. Whereas now I'm like this is a value of mine. So if that doesn't fall in line. Then I'm more at peace with moving past.
Jenn: Yes, that's right. And really putting your flag in the ground for something specific, which is why values are also so great for setting boundaries and knowing what you stand for and why you stand for it. Something I let my clients do is not only pick the words of their top five values, but I also have them define it because respect could mean something completely different to you than it does for me. Respect for you could mean obey authority, make sure you're doing what people are asking you to do, but for respect for me it could be more you're respecting my space. You're respecting my time. So it's less about authority, but it's more about this personal choice.
And I think you're dead on because whenever come into conflict with other people. It's really helpful to know what our own personal values are. First ask, is this a thing that I'm mad at with the other person, or is this really something where they're just not valuing something that I value and a situation that comes to mind is me and my husband, Billy.
I value orderliness and that's because my brain with four kids and running a business. I think if the house is chaotic and for him, he's a creative and he's all over the map. He actually thrives in non orderliness. He could look at that and tell me I'm OCD and I'm ridiculous.
But he doesn't, he knows that's a value of mine. He helps me straighten up the house every night. We just do a little spruce and everything's set at least on our main level, but I love that he sees that in me and he understands why it's so important. Whenever my value is honored, then I am much more likely to go and honor your value and I'm kinder person and my needs are really being met.
I think understanding that sometimes the conflict actually really isn't with the other person, it's just simply a difference of value.
Brittany: And I feel like that's just some really good marriage advice too, is figuring out and maybe even sitting down with your spouse and going through what are your values?
I know you've mentioned defining family values on top of personal values. So maybe you could tell us a little bit about why that's important and how you guys have utilized that in your life.
Jenn: Yeah. So when Billy and I first kinda started dating, we like you were mentioning earlier coming into the relationship, knowing what we each valued and making sure that those values align, they don't need to be the same, but we want to make sure that at some level they're going to be at play well together.
Then whenever we got married, even before we had kids, we set up five to seven values that we said this is what our marriage is about. Whenever we think about how we invest our time, how we spend our money, what we're going to be involved in, the type of people that we're going to allow into our inner sphere of influence.
They need to be about these values. And if they're not, then that's fine, but we're going to move forward with a lot of confidence knowing what we want for our lives. As we brought kids into the world, the really cool thing about values, is you get to tell your kids who they are inside the values.
One of our biggest ones is generosity. That's not just with money, that's with your time, that's with your resources, that's with your smiles, your hugs, your words of encouragement to other people. That's something we speak of our kids all the time. You are a Boughey and you are generous. This is who you are.
This is what's expected of you, and this is how you're going to behave, and they're called up to something better. So when we have those, and they know the Boughey family values. They know exactly who they need to be and what they're all about, so you also get to discipline around those values.
You get to create environments and create experiences around those values. I think we go to Disney world. I don't know, five to eight times a year because we're crazy like that, and that's where we invest our money. One of our values is experience. So everything we do, we try to make an experience, whether it's going and doing a picnic in the park, whether it's going to Stone Mountain, it's all about experience.
Why? Because that's about you for us. And we want to make sure that more than anything, we give our kids memories. Yeah, there's a lot of importance. So if you don't have family values or you haven't really thought about it, I encourage you to sit down and really look through what are the top five to seven, look with your spouse.
If you're a single mom raising kids, you get to decide that for your kids. If you're not married yet, you could decide for yourself who you are and what you stand for so that when you're looking for that spouse. You're making sure that those values align with who you are and what you want for your future.
I know one thing that we talked about with the Loverly Grey team is that values not only inspire you currently where you are, but you also aspire to be them. So am I generous all the time? No, because I'm selfish and I'm human, all these things, but I aspire to be a certain level of generosity because I'm telling myself that's who I am.
You get to put values on the paper that you may say I'm not there yet, and I get to be that person more and more. So I think it's exciting to think about your family values. Also you get to set healthy family boundaries around that. What you're going to do, what you're not going to do. We don't allow sleepovers for our kids right now.
I just think the world's a little bit crazy, but there's a value inside there for us that it just is what it is. And then we don't have to apologize about it and we don't have to feel bad about it. That just, this is just who we are. So it's a great way for you to build confidence with your spouse and as a family, and then to, for your kids to know what they're standing up for.
Brittany: And I'm sure your kids probably see your confidence in these decisions. Then they're just like, this is just a rule. This is what it is, and we're okay with that because there's a solid foundation. You guys have laid out what these values are and it's very evident. One thing I remember, I guess it was maybe two or three years ago, I decided that one of my values just in my personal life and one in my business was going to be kind, being kind, kindness. The way I responded back to people, if they were negative or ugly to me, I had that opportunity to choose kindness. Even though I felt like I was always a kind person before, but I had to make the statement.
I am choosing this going forward, no matter what, I'm putting the word kind next to my name. So it also holds you accountable.
Jenn: Love that? Yes.
Brittany: There's been several times and again, I'm not perfect. I'm sure there's been a message or two that I was just like throwing kindness out the window, responding back with the way I really felt, but it's held me accountable to make sure that when people come to my page or they get some, like breadth of me, I want them to feel like, okay, she is a kind person. A response back might be like from, but it can still be kind, right? So the accountability, I think, is what really started.
I saw that was important, so then adding some of these other values into place, but I can only imagine just accountability within your family, within your life. You set the standard for yourself.
Jenn: For all my visual people out there, I'm one of those, your values are like your compass, so instead of just walking around blindly, not really knowing which direction you're going in the woods, you have your compass, and this is who you are. Exactly what you're saying. It's holding you accountable. This is how I'm going to respond. It's a way to live intentionally. And we, when we live intentionally and we know what direction we're going, you gain confidence.
I think so many of us are out there looking for confidence. And it's because of culture today, we're looking to the left, we're looking to the right what's everybody else doing, you're borrowing this, you're borrowing that from people and you really, aren't sitting down with yourself and saying, what am I about?
What's unique to me, what's in my life story that makes this so important. Then sticking with that and being convicted by that and saying it's okay for me to own my story, own what's important for. And have that compass. Exactly what you're talking about, because it's already in you. That's the thing, the values are already in you right now.
It's just you discovering what those are and you putting a name on them and then you living with intention.
Brittany: So it feels like if maybe you are somebody listening to this right now, that is just unsure of what your values are or. Unsure of where you are in life right now, this might be an exercise that can really help you gain some clarity and go in the direction you really want to go.
This is a free exercise that anybody can do. And it takes you really sitting down and thinking about what do you want to stand for? Last year? Nichelle and I wrote out values for Loverly Grey. And I remember thinking, this will take an hour, we're going to sit down and write out some things.
And it ended up taking half a day because we just started going over what is really important? What do we really want to, hold true to Loverly Grey? What are some things? And I think even words that I was just like, yeah, of course we do that. But putting it down on paper and holding ourselves accountable made it felt like more official.
Jenn: Sure. Yeah.
Brittany: Doing that within your own life is just going to give you that opportunity to just hold yourself accountable.
Jenn: So if you're wanting to do this exercise, it's a quick stepped process. I just want you to go online and just look up. Value words, you're going to find all kinds of lists.
It doesn't need to be an exhaustive list, but print out a list and just go through that list and highlight any words that jump out at you, any words that touch your heart, or you're saying, Ooh. Yeah, that's really important to me. Chances are you're going to highlight more than you think you will. It always happens.
Then you start getting excited because you see these words and you're like, wow, this is exciting. This is fun. And what I want you to do, no matter how many you've highlighted is, I want you to get down to your top 20 or 15. And then once you get down to those, I want you to then really narrow it down to the top 10, your top 10 values from there.
I want you to define them. What does each of those words mean? Why is it important whenever you think about that value word, what is really pulling at the importance of your heart and then narrow those down to your top five and then those top five are what you're going to live from and just start asking yourself, how am I living out of this value at a client last week, we were talking through values and she's just really in this funk right now.
She doesn't really feel super alive and she's being a little bit hard on herself. She came out of this exercise with her number one value being fun and play. I asked her, how are you operating out of this value? And she said, I'm not. Like I feel so dead inside because I'm realizing this whole creative side of me that feels like 80% of me.
I have totally squashed, and I've told myself I just need to grind and work and, live up to these success measures that I actually really don't even want to live up to. Through this whole exercise, she has totally blossomed this 80% of her life out of this fun in play value that she's now getting to incorporate.
It's been life-changing for her, which is super cool.
Brittany: I remember we. Earlier this year or last year, I really decided a word for my year and things I just always wanted to incorporate into my day. It was based off of this word. And we've talked a little bit about this on the podcast before, but Lain, our podcast producer, she came to us earlier in the year when we were all as a team discussing what are words of the year were?
And one of hers was intention, being intentional. I remember immediately falling in love with that as well. And there were so many things that we had, ideas coming up and things that we were going to be doing with the business. And it felt like a light bulb clicked because it was like, I was so motivated by this word to live out every day with intention and doing things with a purpose.
It's funny how that can spawn a way of life for you, which is very similar, right? When you identify what these values can be. You have the freedom and it's almost freeing you like your client. Once she started living out this more fun and playful way, she probably felt so free that she was able to do do exactly what she wanted to.
Jenn: Yeah. So it's like giving yourself permission and it's super validating, deep at the core of who you are of like, oh yes. This is why it feels so dead because I'm not living out of this one thing. That's yeah. That's makes me come alive.
Brittany: I feel like the word confidence comes to mind too when you've identified your values and you are living them out. You're confident in life. And then you're not worried about what other people are thinking about you because you're following your values that you've identified as important to you. You're confident that those mean something to you.
I just feel like you probably will have this higher step of knowing what you're doing.
Jenn: Exactly. Yes. You stand up taller, your shoulders are back. Whenever you see other people excelling or succeeding or doing their own unique thing, you're going to be applauding for them because you know what you stand for.
You feel really solid in you because you're standing into that confidence. And it's a great way for you to filter all of your decisions. So now you have a framework. You're not, again, you're not blindly just making decisions. Now you're understanding why you're making those decisions. Why you're saying yes.
And why you're saying no. So for any of those out there, including myself who like to say yes to everything, this is a great way for you to have a framework to think through. I'm going to say no to this, because it just doesn't really align with me at the core of personal transformation is self-awareness alignment and action.
And this values exercise has all three of those. You become more self aware of what you desire and want out of life. It becomes more aligned with who you truly are. And then you're able to take action based on what these values are. This is like the one exercise of mindset work that I will tell clients time and time again.
I know it sounds so silly. It actually sounds so simple. You want to skip it, but please don't skip it. And I even had another client two weeks ago. We had this one conversation and for 45 minutes we talked about one of her values, and her eyes were pouring with tears because just the depth of what this one value meant for her.
It just opened up just a whole nother realm of awareness about her relationship with her father and why things were so important and why she really wanted to be who she was becoming. It was just really cool. So just don't overlook it if there's a lot here for sure.
Brittany: Polled our listeners. And we got some really great questions that I think can really tie into this value conversation and with some of these questions and with your answers, I think a lot of this can help some of our listeners understand the importance of identifying values a little bit better, and maybe in some situations they can even relate to.
So I figured we would just go through a few of these questions and then whatever you can answer or add to, I think would be super helpful.
Jenn: Let's do it.
Brittany: So the first question let's go into extended family boundaries. How to set them, you have a family you're supposed to spend time with them, but maybe they don't align with your values.
How can you be okay with saying no or yes, around family.
Jenn: I think for a situation like this, I think it can be hard with families because there's a lot of expectations there. So I think the first step in this is deciding what you want. What do you want for your family? What do you want for your family unit? What do you want your kids to experience? Billy and I have experienced with this firsthand and you're going to ruffle feathers. So part of it is you're going to have to be okay with standing up for what you want. So those of us, again, who are people pleasers might be a little bit difficult, but again, you have this foundation of values from which you're living in and standing by.
You also have to be thinking about what's the consequence of not standing up for what you really want. I tell my clients oftentimes, you teach people how to treat you. So if you're going to teach people that you're going to bend the rules just for them, or you're gonna bend the rules just for family expectations.
Then that's going to be something that you're putting yourself under. So really thinking about that and with extended family boundaries I, it's more for me, it comes down to deciding what you want. Then upholding the boundary for yourself and not really pleasing the other family members.
I remember when I really bumped into this with my own family, there was a lot of this is just how we do it. These are just the traditions that you're going to come to. These are just the things that I don't care what you say, you're coming. To which I said, I appreciate that, but I'm a grown woman and this is what I've decided, and I respect and honor that for you, but for me and my family, it's going to look a little bit different. Cause here's what we're building. This is what we're doing and did it hurt feelings and where people disappointed a hundred percent, but when you do it with confidence and you do it with honor and say, I love you.
I respect you. I understand that that's your wish for me. And also here's what I'm doing. I mean at the end of the day, if they love you, they're going to respect you. I think it's also too in the delivery of how you input those boundaries.
Brittany: Reminds me of about the holidays and Christmas time and how I think people get so bogged down with the expectation, because this is just a family tradition that we have to do, and they run around like crazy people and it's I don't even want to do this. I don't even like XYZ event, but I'm going because I'm feel forced to do it. Yes. And you don't have to do that. You get to decide.
Jenn: It was Billy and I's very first married Thanksgiving 13 years ago. I think we went to five homes and by 6:00 PM we looked each other. We're never doing that again, whatever that was for not doing that again. Do we love all of them? Yes. Do we want to see all of them? Yes, but really who missed out it was us because we couldn't even put a piece of food in our mouth because we were too busy catching up with people, and we spent more time in the car driving all around Atlanta than we actually did spending quality time.
So we missed out. So you also have to think about that for you. Then when you put kids in the equation, it's gosh, then my kids are missing out too. Be confident and understand your why are you putting the boundary and being convicted and understanding what you're actually really protecting?
So don't protect other people's feelings, protect what you're trying to create.
Brittany: Yeah. I love that. All right. This person said I'm burnt out in my career, how should I not feel shameful for leaving a specific work role if I want to do something different or better?
Jenn: Okay. So I have this love, hate relationship with shame, because if you're human, you feel shame.
I think oftentimes so many of us feel shame. We don't even know we feel shame, but man, I feel shame. All the time. So you're not alone in that shame really comes from us, not feeling like enough at the end of it. At the end of the day, that's really where it stems from. So sometimes I remember feeling shameful, usually somewhere in our thinking, you're going to hear the word.
If you really pay attention to your thoughts is. I should be doing, I should not be leaving. I should be happy where I'm at. So my first thing that I would say to you is pay attention to what you're telling yourself you should, or shouldn't be doing most times whenever we say should we're shaming ourselves.
So I would challenge you to change should to could, and maybe we mentioned this on the last podcast, but that can be just such a small little tweak in your mindset work that really truly changes the game. So if you ask yourself, why am I feeling shame? What is it that you feel like you're not living up to?
Or what is it that you feel like you need to be doing? That you're not doing. And then my other thing is oftentimes we're living up to the success standards of other people. So my thought here is probably somewhere in this person's work role live, or maybe what they really want to do with their life.
They might be living underneath the definition of somebody else's success. Oftentimes our parents want us to be lawyers or doctors or these specific roles. Nowadays you can do whatever you want, there's social media. And it's like you're doing what? I don't understand. That's not really a title, but again, you get to decide what you want to be success for your life.
And so I think really getting crystal clear. Why do you want to make that work role change? Why is it important to you? And why is that really actually aligned with the person of who you really are? Here's the thing you're not going to convince anybody else if you're not individually convinced for you.
So anytime I make a big move like that, I have to make sure I'm selling myself first, that I'm a hundred percent convicted. And once I am, then other people will also meet your confidence because. Oh, okay. I don't really see how this is going to work. I'm sure you had a little bit of that, right?
When you went into blogging, they're like, wait, blogging? I know you've shared some of that story.
Brittany: I think some with this question, it's also like a little bit of there's an internal scary part. That is this is what I've known. I went to medical school. I've been a doctor for this long, but maybe, and now I'm burnt out, but I feel like this obligation to keep going, because that's what's expected of me. And it's you have the power to decide where you want to hold yourself and what your expectation for yourself is. But I think there's always this scary part. What if I make the wrong decision?
Jenn: Sure. And yeah, also that reminds me a lot of people are afraid to start over. Like I'm starting over. What if you're actually not starting over? My thought back to you would be what if you're taking all your experience, all the skills, all the things that make you unique, and you're just taking into a different field.
But you're not starting over and okay. So what if it's the wrong choice, but what if it's the right choice? What if it's the thing that makes you come alive? What have you never even tried blogging, right? Could you imagine you would still be doing sales, right? Which is fine, but what a better life you've created for yourself by just jumping ship.
Here's the key you can always go back. You can always go back to a role you were once in.
Brittany: Exactly. I think it's just like the confidence, but then going back to values, you could be living out the best version of your values that maybe you're in a role right now that you don't love and your values aren't shining through. The reason you have this crossroad in your mind is because it's exactly that. It doesn't feel like it's fueling your fire anymore.
Jenn: That's it. Bet on yourself. No, one's going to bet on you if you're unwilling to bet on yourself. So just bet on yourself and here's the thing. Ask yourself. What's the worst thing that can happen. You're going to get. You're going to find a way back to success you're but here's the reality. 99.9% of the time, none of us have to deal with the worst case scenario. So I say, go for it, rethink your thinking and think in a way that your future self would want you to think and the way you need to think in order for you to just do that next step.
Brittany: Love it. All right. Our next question is how can I change my mindset of fearing something from happening again? And I'll give you a little bit of backstory on this specific question she was referring to. She had cancer and she is in remission, but now she's just constantly worried about what if it comes back, what if it comes back, what you know?
She wants to train her mind to get past that, but she doesn't know how, because the thought is always in the back of her mind. What if the cancer comes back?
Jenn: Yes. And I think we could all resonate. There's something horrible that's happened or trauma from some specific place in our life. I think, the first thing that comes to mind for me is that we have to remember that what we focus on gets bigger. So the more we focus on thoughts like that, the more that we are going to feel it grow and grow and grow. For me, I would be thinking about what is it in life right now that she gets to do now that the cancer's not there?
What is she able to experience and really focus where she's currently at? Because the reality is if it comes back. She's going to deal with it then, but why make yourself deal with it right here and right now.
Brittany: If anything, it's like, you know what it's like to be in that seat where cancer is holding you down and you get this opportunity to go do all the things that you know, you want to do in case it does come back. The living that free life. It almost feels is that's the direction to go in.
Jenn: Yes. I talk a lot with my clients about power. What has the power, if you don't have the power, something else has the power, but the only way the other thing gets the power, whether it's a person, a thing is through access through you. You're giving it permission. So for me in this circumstance, I would probably challenge you and say, how is the cancer still having the power and how can you actually get that power back? What can you tell the cancer? What can you tell yourself in that moment for you to grab that power back to?
So exactly to your point is live life to the fullest to give cancer the middle finger. If it comes back. You know how to deal with it. You know what's happened before you're going to be well-equipped, but keeping your mind focused on the gratitude and what you currently have right now in front of you.
Because I think if we keep putting cancer right here in the front, then the cancer gets the power. And I think she's probably feeling that at some level.
Brittany: All right. Our next question, this person said I feel like I have everything that I've ever wanted, but I'm still not happy.
Jenn: Yeah. How many of us feel Discontentment? Hello to being a woman in 2022.
And also being human. I think that's completely normal to feel that way. Here's the thing. Having everything you ever wanted is not going to make you happy. I think people are really surprised by that, cause they're like, but wait, I got the house, I got the family, I got the marriage, the job, but I'm feeling empty.
And so I would say to this awesome lady, is what does it look like to tend to your soul? What does it look like for you to sit with yourself? What's really going on underneath all of the things, maybe all the achievements what's really happening deep down. And what would make you happy?
And most women who have everything would say it's the confidence. The feeling joyful. Then let's ask ourselves what would make me feel happy? What do I need to do more of in my life? Oftentimes it's less achieving and it's more quality time. It's more date nights. It's more spending time with girlfriends.
That might be a little bit more traveling. It might be putting spending on pause and not even worrying about any of that and actually really being present in the moment. So I would ask myself. What's really stealing from your happiness. And what would it take for you to be happy? That's not a tangible thing. What's deep down on the inside that would make your heart happy.
Brittany: I feel like for me, just kinda my experience in this is I remember last year right before you and I started talking. I was like, one thing I asked myself was, I feel like I have everything I've wanted. Like I have a great job. I'm successful. I have a great family. I have a husband who loves me and supports my business. I have two healthy babies. What else could I want? Quickly realized I wasn't tending to my mental state the way, or I was just like, oh, this is what's expected of me. And it, I wasn't tending to myself.
And so for me, that was like, I need to talk to somebody. I need to get some of these things out and work on like my mindset and figure out the way I can get my brain to work. Then it opened up conversation to being like, it's not about having everything there's more to life.
Once I saw that, shift it really even becoming. That's stuff I thought was so important and like I had to achieve and I had to do really doesn't matter, if these other things are so true happening in my life.
Jenn: You can have all these things, but if I don't first have this, then what does that even matter?
Brittany: Yes, exactly. So that was something I feel that really helped me shift and then even taking it back to the values. I was able to identify what are some of my personal values that make me feel really good. And how can I pour more into those things instead of worrying about like what society thinks I'm supposed to be doing?
Jenn: Yes. Yes. And for me that rings the word in my mind of purpose. I'm wondering, do you feel purposeful? And if you don't, what would bring purpose? What do you love again, going back to the values, what makes you tick? What makes you come alive and doing more of those things? Sometimes the things that make me the most happiest is like, getting my hands all dirty and gardening with my kids, which you can do that whether you're rich or poor, it doesn't matter. But that's what makes me come alive. Being at the beach makes me come alive. So oftentimes, yeah, it's not these tangible things, but that's it's really living from a place that is deep in your heart means something to you.
Brittany: Yeah. All right. This is one I feel like you and I've talked about a lot, but tips on overcoming overthinking and worrying to the point where you miss out on life.
Jenn: Yeah. Overthinking man. I tell you what and yes worrying as a mom I think I was even saying. A week, Billy and I were leaving for the weekend. I'm like, the house is gonna burn down. The kids are going to get a car wreck at the babysitter. My head goes wacky. Yeah. Part of it is just normalizing that's normal and validating. It's okay for you to have those thoughts. So we have to get. Out of overthinking and sometimes just into action. So it depends on what the circumstances, but if I'm overthinking something, what I typically do is I just think move, move my body, go work out, do a walk, go running, organize the house laundry.
Like whatever it may be, whatever moving looks like for you. It's basically a form of distraction, but also moving our body just physiologically, it helps. The worry part is goes back to what we were saying. What we focus on gets bigger. Something that I really like to teach my clients, especially around anxiety is that anxiety is not you.
I think we just take it on as this is me, I'm worrying and oh my gosh, I'm stuck here. That's not the truth. Worry and anxiety is just something that happens to you, it's not in you. It just happens to you. So for me, I often just see it as something outside of myself.
That's trying to barricade my heart. And I just say, no, I'm not gonna give into that. And I start thinking, what's the worst thing that could happen? What would I do in that scenario and move on. It's just not giving it attention, honestly.
What have you found that's been helpful?
Brittany: I think that the distraction of not spending too much time in that thought, if you don't know. You can't predict the future. There's so many times where I'm like, oh, I want to take my kids to do that, that this could happen. And I don't know, is this really like safe?
I worry. I feel like my worry is more around safety from my family. I remember when I was pregnant with Collins, it took us like so long to get pregnant. We were pregnant. It was amazing. The entire pregnancy I was so worried about when she was born, that I would be holding her and I would fall and fall on her.
She wasn't even born yet, and so it just took over my thoughts and things like that. Now that I'm a mom, I still have those thoughts, but I'm just like, okay. But that hasn't happened yet. It's okay. I can walk down a set of stairs holding one of the girls and I will be okay.
And, just getting past that and not letting it harbor in your mind, because then I feel like you can spawn from that. And then all of a sudden talk yourself out of doing whatever you wanted to go to.
Jenn: Yes. You bring a great point because I oftentimes talk about, notice that the thoughts there, but you don't have to engage with it. You can say, oh wow that's an interesting thought. Sometimes I'm like, let's just be a detective. Let's look at our thinking. And I was like, oh, interesting. I'm really worried about that. All right. Moving on. So what do I need to do? So we get to choose what we engage with. I think we're taught that we don't, it just happens, but you do so just notice that the worried thought is there and then keep moving through your day.
But don't sit there and have a conversation with it. Takes practice.
Brittany: For sure and allowing the thoughts. Like you said you're like, this is interesting. I'm aware that I'm having this, but I'm going to move past it, but I'm still aware. Sometimes I feel like being aware and having that subconscious thought in the back of your mind can actually be helpful in some situations, especially around safety, I'm like, okay, we're going to walk into the store and what happens if this happens?
But then it's okay, I'm not going to let that consume me the whole time we're in the store. Yes. I'm aware of my surroundings enough to know, okay, this feels a little weird or whatever the issue may be. So that's something that has has helped me try to not just harbor in the worrying.
Jenn: There's this thing called rumination. I'm sure many of us have heard of it. And if you haven't, it's very helpful to know. Ruminating is just taking a thought, chewing on it, spitting it back out, chewing on it and spitting it back out. And what ends up happening as you get into this downward spiral. And so the more you ruminate on it, the more anxious, the more obsessed, the more anxious and more obsessed than before you know it, like you said, you're not doing an action.
You're not going somewhere that you really think. Being aware allows you metacognition thinking about your thinking, being aware allows for you to not ruminate. So you just want to stop yourself in the rumination process, write it down. What are you most afraid of? Then try to move on and it takes practice.
It's not going to happen overnight, right?
Brittany: Yeah. Okay. So what about. How much self care is too much before it's not self care anymore and causes stress? So we talked a little bit about this one beforehand, and I feel like what we came up with, what this meant, I feel like is really beneficial. What are your thoughts here?
Jenn: Yeah. So this would probably be something where you're trying to do self care, but it's actually really stressful meaning it's not really helping you at all. There was a recent thing that we did in my community for Uncommon Grit and it was called 75 hard and it is a pretty intense thing you have to do.
It's a challenge for 75 days. And for some of us, it was awesome. And for others of us, people were really stressed out, stressing their bodies out. It was just basically breaking apart things that were important for them. So whenever you feel that you're doing something that's supposed to be life-giving to you and it's not, and it's stressful and it's becoming a more of a headache and just one more thing on your to-do list. I would question if I were you, why am I actually really doing this? What's my motive behind this. Am I trying to do it because it's really something I want to do. Am I trying to do it because I want to get better in this area. But I would just pause.
Gosh, there's so much, there's so much goodness in just pausing. If we just all just pause for a minute and just interesting. Why am I doing this? Why am I thinking that? Is this really the action I want to take, but pausing and just asking myself, what is it that I'm hoping for and why am I not getting that end result?
And if I'm not getting the end result that I really want, then what type of self-care do I need? That's going to give me results. Sometimes the best thing we can ask ourselves is what do I need? What do I need right now? I think we, all of us, including myself, I just bypass my needs all the time.
I'm like, I don't know. We just got to get this done, this, done, this, done this done. But when I stop and just, I'm quiet with my heart and I say, Jen n what do you need right now? I'm like, oh, interesting. I just actually need a meal without anyone interrupting me. It's so simple, but I'm like trying to do all these things, make, give me relief and I'm like, that's not actually helping.
So in that scenario, I would just ask yourself, what really are you looking for and how are you uniquely going to meet that need for yourself and maybe not borrow from other people or see what someone else is doing that's maybe their self care that actually really doesn't align with you.
Brittany: I think the borrowing somebody else's ideas or what works for them. That is one thing I feel like that has been a huge takeaway for me because what works for somebody else might not work for you, and that's okay. I also think like self care is so interesting because there's so many different like forms of it. Sometimes I even feel like society is a little too much like you deserve self care, take a break, you deserve this. But then it's like what the level of what it is you deserve. You have to be careful of like where you're letting that define self care for you, because it might not be what you are thinking you have to do I have to get a massage every single week, but I'm going broke doing that.
And it's let's figure out what self-care is for you and how that's going to actually be there for yourself, and make sure that you're not just doing whatever society is telling you to do.
Jenn: Yeah. What really uniquely is going to refuel you, make you feel refreshed. Make you wake up in the morning and say, I have enough to give. I think so many of us, especially as a women, we give out of an empty cup and that's like my biggest no-no I do it all the time.
Anytime I feel myself, that's the number one thing I'll say to my husband, my cup has to be filled right now and not get so on empty. So it's like knowing that, but then also what does that look like? Where it doesn't cost a ton of money and it aligns with my family structure and the time that I do have, we want to make sure to going back to that word of intentionality, that we're super intentional about how we're refueling ourselves and making sure that it works for us.
Brittany: Totally. I think this episode has been very thorough and there's been so much good conversation and just advice. There were several times when you were talking that I was like, I'm going to go back and pause and relisten to what she said there, because I need to actually do that for myself. So I really think that our listeners will. Get a ton out of today's episode.
Jenn: Awesome. It's been so fun. I have loved being here. I just love your team. I love the community that you have developed. You guys are awesome. All the listeners it's been so fun, so I'm just honored you had me on.
Brittany: Jenn, will you tell our listeners who are maybe hearing you for the first time where they can find you on Instagram? We'll of course leave all that information in the show notes.
Jenn: Yes. So you can find me on Instagram @jennboughey. My website is jennboughey.com, where you can just find all my information.
Brittany: Perfect. Thank you so much for joining us today and to everybody listening, we appreciate you so much, and we hope that this episode fuels your cup and that are just able to take something away from this, that it's going to be super meaningful to you until next time.
Jenn: All right.
Brittany: Thanks for listening to today's episode. If you enjoyed this podcast, please rate and review on the platform you listen on. It truly means the world to me. And don't forget to follow along on Instagram at life with liberally until next time.